Thoughts about infertility

It's interesting the things that are surfacing for me now that Joshua is here.   There are amazing moments when I realize how much pain and hurt are being washed away.  Little seemingly trivial things like my birthday candle wishes or my wishes on a star will finally change now that he is here in my arms.  Episodes of our favorite shows we never watch or that Paul and I fast forward through we can finally watch without anger and heartache. Those are the little signs that things are starting to heal.

However,  I'm also realizing how much trauma this infertility journey has caused me.  My family has started a tradition of putting together an annual calendar. Each sibling is in charge of the pictures and theme for two months,  and then Mom and Dad get the other two.  This year,  one of my months was April.  That is Josh's six month mark and also when we can finalize the adoption.  My initial reaction was to do a spread all about him,  but then I had the sinking thought, "What if something goes wrong and I turn to that month and all I see are pictures of Joshua that remind me what I've lost?"  I ended up doing something different for that month's spread. 

As I do now in November,  I began working on my bullet journal for next year.   The thought occurred to me to do the decorations throughout it with animals- two adults and a baby animal.  Then I flashed back to my bullet journal the year Samuel was supposed to be born. I had prepared pages to record his sleep, feedings,  and diaper changes.  After we lost him,  I covered those pages up and used them for other things. 

Also,  because I have been on the outside looking in,  I know what it feels like when someone I've walked the infertility journey with finally becomes a parent and their Facebook feed and their conversation completely and justifiably transforms into all things baby and I am once again left alone.  I have dear friends who are still there and the last thing I want to do is hurt them by constant mentions of Joshua and all the changes our family is going through now, so I pull back and post blog links that they can open or not so they don't stumble upon baby pictures as they check in on social media. Mother's Day, Father's Day, the recent Daughters Day are difficult enough without me adding to them.

So I think and process and become aware of the wounds that need healing.  When Paul and I would come close in the past to an adoption or try an infertility treatment,  our stance was always, "We are cautiously optimistic." I find that frame of mind hard to shake.  Even with him here in my arms at this moment,  part of me struggles to accept that this last two months is real- that he's really ours, that someone finally picked us,  that I can fully celebrate instead of protecting myself in case the worst happens. 

I hope to gradually fill the worries and fears that still pop up in the most unexpected places with hope and optimism, but my hope switch has become rusty and faulty with neglect.   It'll need some careful attention before it's functional again. Hopefully with each snuggle and diaper change and new memory made with him,  I can really begin to heal.

Just enjoying looking at life

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1VN-36F_ziv2HKxjPQczAxZ6UsZkxwCuh/view?usp=drivesdk

Not all sunshine and rainbows, lol.

Aaaaand lest this blog look a little too rosy and unrealistic,  I offer you this sketch of yesterday evening,  night,  and this morning.  Our little boy was fussy and irritable and would just not settle down.  That state equaled not much sleep for him and even less for me. During a nighttime diaper change,  he did a glorious fountain that got himself in the face and many spots well off the changing pad. Then while I was cleaning that up and putting a fresh diaper on him,  he managed to do a repeat performance. That led to a middle of the night bath and cleaning session.

  Then this morning when he was finally calm and eating,  I tried to clip his nails, and nicked his little pinky. I know I am not the first mother to do this,  but it's the first time I have done it. He was crying.  I was crying.  Wow.

Things have calmed down now. We're rocking in our awesome nursery rocker (thank you, Angela), and life is good again. Ah- the joy of the newborn/ new mom journey.

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 I love the little "oh" he makes with his mouth.

 Got a kick out of his eyes crossing occasionally. Ah the fun of learning how to use a new body.

 Came across this baby picture of Paul's and thought it was fun how similar it was to the one of Joshua below.

I weighed Joshua this morning, and we think he's right around 6lb 6oz- so that's still about an ounce of weight gain a day. Not bad given that a little over a month ago he weighed 3 lb. 15 oz.

Morning lullaby time after breakfast

In the videos, Joshua keeps going back and forth because I was rocking him at the time.  These are some of my favorite moments.


Lullaby song 1
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1T6S2vqCPO4nB_GlKV374zyTS1TLIMnCO/view?usp=drivesdk

Lullaby song 2
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1T8NtqLh60-1gq7mGd3WQSzwGf6Y8cl7c/view?usp=drivesdk

1 am- just fed Joshua.. and the carpet... and my lap by pouring the liquid formula onto the bottom of the bottle- not into the open top.  I was warned things like this would happen when doing middle-of-the-night feedings, lol.

This week was interesting medically. Because of how little he weighed,  the decision about whether or not to circumcise him hadn't been able to be finalized.  Gotta tell you- that's a strange one to look for advice for.   It's not every day that you contemplate asking people you know, "So are you (or your husband) circumcised or not, and how's that going for you?" Ah- new territory.

This week at our pediatrician appointment to check on his growth,  we were excited to learn that he had gained a whole pound in two weeks.  He's now at 5 lb. 10.7 oz.  He's doing really well and we get to wait a whole month before our next doctor's appointment.   He has had six pediatrician appointments already in his short five and a half week life.  We're looking forward to those being much fewer and farther apart.

Today I spent hours organizing Joshua's little wardrobe.  I'm learning to ignore the size tag and to instead figure out their real size by holding them up to each other one by one for sorting.  Tomorrow I should be able to finish and it'll be fun having all those cute outfits ready to use.

Growing

Things are lovely here in Joshua land. He had been waking up for a diaper change and feeding every two hours almost on the dot, but is now starting to stretch that to 3 to 3.5 hours, which makes me almost giddy with renewed, restful energy.

A sweet parent from Patterson came over last week and did a photo shoot with Josh and did such a lovely job.   It's fun to have professional shots done.  I think the last professional pictures I had taken were on our wedding day.

I'm helping out with the sound system for the school musical this week and next.  Bless my fantastic co-director's heart for taking over when I dropped everything and ran to Utah. He's such a sweetheart and the kids and I owe him big time for having the attitude that "the show must go on!"  While I'm thankful I still have two and a half months of maternity leave left,  it was so good to be back with my students and my teacher friends.

Other than that,  Joshua has a pediatrician's appointment tomorrow and I'm excited to see his growth.  When we first tried outfits on him even the premie ones swamped him. Now premie clothes are actually starting to fit.  One was actually a bit snug on him,  but I'm not sure if that was due to Joshua's growth or me accidentally shrinking it in the wash, lol.

My one month birthday!

Cutting baby nails is HARD. That is all, lol.

Four weeks old- Josh's due date

What a week of learning!

It's been my first week flying solo as a newborn baby mom.  All my life is centered around Joshua's diapers, bottles,  and naps. It's amazing how intense that can be at times- particularly at 3am.  For the most part,  though,  he is a sweet, easy-to-soothe baby.  He's eating well and we think he might be nearing 5.5 lbs. He has a follow-up appointment to check his growth next week, so fingers crossed!

Paul was hit with a nasty throat virus, so over the weekend he stayed sequestered up in the room while Josh and I started our one on one time a little early. I feel so bad that of the four weeks Paul had for paternity leave,  two were spent in Utah and on the trip home,  and the third he spent sick and unable to enjoy this time together as a family. He went back to school on Monday and taught through the throat pain the way teachers often do. He's starting to feel better,  though,  so here's hoping he stays well.

Meanwhile at home,  I am living the dream I've always wanted to live.  Some people aspire to have a certain profession; to do amazing things on their bucket list. All I've ever wanted to be was a mother.  I've always had a mother heart.  Over the years as children didn't come,  I got an education,  found a wonderful profession,  and have had a very full,  blessed life, but it was my "plan B." Now that I'm here,  I feel utter gratitude for that "plan B" life I've lived.  I'm grateful for the things I've learned,  the colleagues I have,  and most especially for the children with whom I've been able to spend my days. I have a loving school and community family that I never would have known otherwise, and I am grateful for them.

Anyway,  enough about me. Josh and I are settling into our routines. So far,  his little body is almost like a clock- every two hours it's diaper and bottle time. During morning feedings,  we're reading the Winnie the Pooh stories. We are in the middle of the chapter where Eeyore gets two presents.  Josh also has tummy time sessions on soft fuzzy blankets on the dining room table and is lifting his little head up and pushing up with his arms and trying to propel himself with his legs. Yesterday I took him to my favorite walking spot at the Buxton trailhead and we went for a lovely autumn expedition with Pippin.  Nights are going more well than not- with the exception of last night which has me sleepy and slow-motion-y today.  Nighttime is when I tell him fairy tales and sing the gentle Disney, Broadway, and primary songs to him that I remember from my childhood. When I said earlier that I was living my dream I really,  truly meant it.

I hear Josh stirring and his internal two-hour clock is kicking in.  More updates to come. :)