Six months

We've been posting pictures of our little guy so much on Facebook that I've neglected his blog.  My bad.

Where we last left off was all of us getting sick right at the beginning of the US outbreak of Covid-19.  Luckily,  we think it was just a bad flu/cold combo and we're all doing great now.

Today we celebrated that Joshua has now gone halfway around the sun. Even though next week won't bring the finalization of the adoption like it was supposed to, we are so incredibly blessed. Sometimes I feel guilty that in the midst of all this upheaval,  uncertainty,  and pain that I have so much joy at my new circumstances. To be home with him during these months feels like a second maternity/ paternity leave for us. It has always been our dream to work from home together and now for a few precious months we can do that. (We seriously aspire some days to be hermits, lol.)

So here are some Joshua updates. In the past month,  he has learned how to roll over and now rolls all over the family room floor but only in one direction! He gets so frustrated when he ends up against a chair or a pillow and can't get himself into reverse.  Silly boy. 

He's getting to be a MUCH better eater.  We've had some days when we nickname him our baby bird because we can't get the food to his mouth fast enough and he keeps his mouth open waiting (sometimes very impatiently,  lol). We can't wait for his appointment next week to see what he weighs.

He's back to sleeping through the night. Now that he's rolling,  his sleep was really thrown off because we could no longer swaddle him.  Most often now he turns himself over and sleeps with his little bum in the air.

With all of the changes to our schedules,  it's been "interesting" to try to juggle teaching from home with his schedule.  He's gradually able to play in the playpen for longer chunks of time,  but there are those days when he's off or just wants to be held,  so we pass him back and forth as we're run back and forth to our computers for meetings.  I'm hoping things will normalize because so far fitting it all in seems really daunting.

Our new adoption hearing is set for June 10th on his 8 month birthday. Today we celebrated by lighting more of our old adoption papers on fire in the fire pit. It was so nice to see adoption fees and our unused adoption profiles go up in smoke as we held our son. Thank God and his birth parents for giving us this gift.

Watching old adoption papers go up in flames.  So cathartic. 

Joshua's first fire in the fire pit.

Being sick

On top of all of the craziness happening all around the world,  things lately have been tough mom-wise.  I've been sick now for the past two weeks.  Not a fun time to be sick.  Last week,  I came to school sick because we were preparing for the school wide folk dancing part of the school's culture night.  When things were called off on Wednesday,  I still went in on Thursday because it's easier than doing lesson plans and I was still mostly functional.  Then the mild fever came on Thursday night and I finally decided to stay home on Friday.  I had it all- fever,  cough,  congestion,  sore throat,  chills, muscle ache- the works- your average flu and cold.

While home Friday,  the Governor canceled school for the following week and I was relieved to be able to stay home and recuperate.  Then,  as often happens in families,  Joshua got my cold. With all the concern about the coronavirus,  I watched him coughing and congested and worried it was something more.

Finally,  when his temperature hit 100.5, we started having phone visits with his pediatrician.  He wasn't showing the symptoms of pneumonia,  but his eating was way down (which,  as you probably know, has never been his strong suit) and the congestion was settling in his chest. 

So, because he was not feeling well,  his sleep was off.  Oh, and because he has started rolling over,  it wasn't safe to swaddle him anymore which threw off his sleep.  Oh, and he's starting to drool more and chew on everything and is in early teething stages,  so that's throwing his sleep off,  too. It's a perfect non-sleeping storm.  We feel like we're back to month one where we're up every two hours a night with a crying baby.  What especially kills me is that,  because of my cough,  I lost my voice and even though it's beginning to come back, I still can't sing to him. Often, that's how I get him to calm down and to get him ready for bed. Heck,  that poor kid can't go fifteen minutes without me serenading him with some nonsense or other. Now it's gone just when I need it the most.

During the day,  Joshua yells at us if we try to feed him the solids he loved two weeks ago.  He cries a lot more and,  today,  so did I.  Yesterday his temperature went back down and a couple nights ago he slept moderately better.  We're hoping the ship is slowly starting to turn back to wellness and happy Joshua,  happy us again,  but until then,  we wait it out.

Right now,  Paul's in humming and singing to Joshua because he wouldn't go to sleep for me.  It's my night to be up with my little guy and I'm worried that this extra tear-filled, fussy evening we've had with him is indicative of the next 8 hours ahead of me.  I'm so thankful that Paul is working with him and getting him to sleep so I can rest a bit. Wish me luck for the rest of the night. 

Memories and First Laugh

Joshua with Uncle Adam and cousin Lily.

This past week, as most of you know, we went with my family on a looooong anticipated family trip to Disneyworld. It was a wonderful trip, albeit a different kind of vacation now that we have a little one in tow.

My favorite moments were seeing my family members getting to know Joshua.  Where we live far apart, most of them had not met him yet.  My sweet five year old niece took to him immediately and took it upon herself to give instructions on how to care for the baby to anyone else holding him.  Where he doesn't have siblings,  she told me that when he gets older,  he can call her sister since he doesn't have any.  So sweet.

Hugs with Aunt Alicia

Cuddles with Uncle Ben

Waiting in line is fine with my cousin Breeawn. 

In the Kwik-E-Mart with Grandma because it was chilly outside. 

In the Three Broomsticks with Grandpa and Aunt Amber

Aunt Jill taking care of me while Mom and Dad explore Gringott's Bank.

Eating for Aunt Melissa.  Huzzah!

My runner-up experiences were when we happened to get to meet Joy from Inside Out and Winnie the Pooh.  The actors playing those characters and their support staff were lovely and amazing.  Joshua was interested in and reached out to both of them.

The final night of our trip held a sweet first- Joshua's first laugh.  He's laughed in his sleep,  but never at something we've done.  I was blowing against the bottom of his feet and the laugh came bubbling out- a nice contrast to the farting noises that I was making on his feet,  lol.

As far as his health goes,  he's still fighting us on eating and just doesn't eat much.  He seemed excited about his first cereal,  but now has lost interest in it and won't eat it. Ugh! Tonight,  though,  Paul discovered that Joshua (momentarily at least) likes bananas. Let's hope it lasts. It's really stressful to hear over and over again how small he is. I know he's small and we're doing everything we can think of to remedy it. It just might take awhile.

Progress

First of all,  I can't tell you all how much your words of consolation helped after my last post. It made me feel better about my own reaction and the process in general, so thank you.

Yesterday we had a follow up visit to the doctor to check on his weight gain over the past week and a half.  The last two weigh ins he had been gaining at the rate of 15g per day.  Over the last 10 days, he gained 23g per day. Huzzah!!! He should be gaining between 20 and 30g, so we're still on the lower side of things,  but we're finally in the ballpark. He went from 9 lb 5 oz last Tuesday to 9 lb 14 oz yesterday.  We're closing in on double digits!

Where Joshua is difficult to feed and that process is causing a lot of stress, the doctor suggested we start him on cereal so that if he won't take a bottle,  we can give that a go. This morning was his first cereal experience and it was so fun.  Enjoy the video of that experience on the link below.  :)  He didn't eat a lot but oh, the cuteness. Here's hoping we're on the upswing of his growth.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1G9PJt_qHdFRpD9_g_bjS7WRO1WtGzD2J/view?usp=drivesdk

Trauma

First off, I am fine with medical needles.  When I was a poor college student, I sold my blood plasma and I don't bat an eye if a doctor needs me to go in for a blood draw for some test or other.  No problem.  Vaccinations?  I'm fine with.  Yesterday at 4:45ish, I was at the pediatrician's office with Joshua.  I thought it was just to check his growth, but had forgotten it was also for his four month vaccinations.  Not fun, but ok. I can deal with that and help him through.  He'd bounced back just fine after his previous ones, so I wasn't too worried.

Our little guy now weighs 9 lb. 5 oz. "Cool," I thought.  The number's going up.  However, it's still not going up as quickly as the doctor would like it too.  Since this is causing a lot of stress with him at our home and with friends that are watching him, I finally asked her why the concern about the speed at which he catches up?  Well, it's not so much about that, but the domino effect that happens with his growth.  Apparently, if he's not sufficiently gaining weight, he won't gain length, won't increase head circumference, and that can, in turn, affect brain development.  We already have him on a more concentrated formula recipe, so she increased that to an ever greater concentration and also ordered some blood tests.

So, after his vaccinations (which the assisting nurse was none too gentle about- grrrr), I went over to get a prescription filled for him for antacid medication and to get the blood drawn for the blood tests.It was now well after five and was dark outside.  I got my meds order started and then went to the lab.  Much to my horror, they weren't going to be able to do it in his heel, but would need to do it intravenously from an arm.  They needed two specialists to do the draw, so I had to wait a few minutes for them both to become available.  After his vaccinations, I had comforted him, cuddled him, and gotten him settled back down in his carrier.  Now I would need to get him out so they could stick him with a needle.  I sat there waiting while tears silently rolled down my cheeks.  I was tired and just wanted to be done.  Then came the big moment- they brought over a rolling table to lay him on, I got him out of his carrier, he started crying, and I silently joined in along with him.  We got him situated down and they instructed me to hold his head and his torso steady.  I bent- holding him down, talking soothingly to him, and stroking his cheek when possible while they readied what seemed the biggest needle I'd ever seen.  It definitely was huge compared to his little arm.  They put the tightening rubber band thing around his arms and he started to really get upset.  Then they started the blood draw and he screamed.  I barely held it together.  I had my face as close to his face as I could get and tried shushing, singing, talking, whatever I could to get his mind off of what was going on.  None of it obviously worked.  It felt like forever while they filled up that stupid vial.

Finally we were done.  He was bandaged up and I clung to my sobbing baby while I tried-to no avail- to get myself back under control.  As we exited the lab area people were so kind.  One older lady told me, "You're such a good Grandma."  I didn't correct her, but just half smiled.  Another man- thankfully more in tune to my relation to Joshua- told me he had gone through that with his one year old and that we did a good job. We got to the lobby and still had to go get that stupid medication, so back we both got in line wet faced and traumatized.  While I was waiting in the lab for the blood draw, I kept searching through my bag for my phone.  I'd combed through  it and it was nowhere to be found.  I just needed to hear Paul's voice. When I couldn't find the phone,  I concluded I'd left it in the exam room the next building over.

I got Joshua's meds, and refused to put him back in the car seat for the walk back to the other building to search for my phone.  I cuddled him up to me with his fluffy comfort blanket and- just wanting this all to be over- we returned to find the doctor's area locked and shut down for the night.  It was now past 6pm.  Luckily, a few minutes later, a kind janitor came along- changing out garbages in the lobby and said she'd walk me back to look for it.  As we went towards the door, out my pediatrician came with her keys in hand.  We walked back to the exam room and there was the missing phone sitting on the exam table.  The doctor was sympathetic and kind.  I put a protesting Joshua back in his car seat, got him in the car, and, thankfully, his pacifier did what its name suggests and he calmed right down.  I used the car to call Paul and cried while I told him the story and picked up some dinner to help soothe my troubled spirits.  Luckily, my brother had shared with me an audible book- an autobiography about the life of Carol Burnett read by the great lady herself.  As I drove down highway 26 towards home, I started to breathe more easily and the trauma started to fade a little into the background of memory.

We got home and Paul was at the door to care for his little family.  He scooped us up, settled, comforted, and held us.  He cuddled Joshua while I got in a heart to heart call with my mom and within a couple hours we were all finally in bed.

Joshua is scheduled for a return appointment next week to discuss the results of the blood tests and to see how the weight gain goes with this more concentrated formula.  If it still is insufficient, we might be looking at a three day hospital stay with him being fed through an ng tube.  If he still isn't gaining enough weight after that visit when we're sure he's getting enough calories, then we have to keep searching for other causes.  I really pray it won't go that far.

Bandaid on both legs and a bandage on his right arm.  Sigh.

Immersed in love and support

It was with trepidation that I started this week back to work and away from my little one, but I have been blessed beyond belief.  Last night as Paul and I spent the evening together "tag- teaming" it so one could eat and the other could take care of Joshua, or switching back and forth as he got fussy, I had an amazing moment.  I had Joshua and was holding him in my left arm against my left shoulder.  He was fussy, so I was bounce walking him while I washed his bottles.  Paul and I were watching a goofy show and laughing together, and my little one fell asleep on my shoulder.  I had this overwhelming sense of peace and contentment.  I was just plain happy.  I had had a great day at work and now was home with my child and husband.  That was always the big sorrow- I loved my students, but none of them were mine to love and care for at home.  Now I could love them all and love on my Joshua.

I adore working at Patterson.  In coming back, I was immersed in love and appreciation.  It's pure joy when a group of 30 first graders tries to hug you all at the same time.  My colleagues have reached out and touched base to make sure I was coping and knew that they were there for me.  I don't know how or why I see and feel nothing but love everywhere around me, but I do and am wholly grateful for it. Without a hint or a request for it, sweet sisters from church brought by meals on Saturday and Sunday to get us through the week.  Amazing.

My friend who is watching Joshua has been nothing but patient and kind as she has dealt with her life being majorly impacted by my little guy.  I've been able to pop over there or she's brought him by at lunch and I've gotten to love on him and get him to eat (from day one he's been a reluctant eater and is not being a satisfactory eater for her- little turkey).

All in all, I stand all amazed at the goodness of God and of my fellow human beings.  I'm happy and it feels so sweet.

Heading back to work

So this is it,  folks.  Today I head back to work after maternity leave. So many mixed emotions.  Last night I was a weepy mess.  This morning I have a calmer heart and am feeling more strength to take this next phase on.  This past three and a half months have been a combination of miraculous and hard. I am relieved to have some help with my little one,  but I don't want to miss anything or be away from him.  Teaching is the life I have known and chosen for the past 16 years,  so as I prep my seating charts and lesson plans,  I'm excited to get back to that life,  my kids at school,  and my co-worker friends, but I wish I could wear Joshua in his little carrier and have him there with me.

To finish off this post on a happy note,  though,  I offer pics of Paul and Joshua reading about Star Wars together for the first time.

Colic behind the scenes

While there is much cause for celebration in Joshua's growth and weight gain, his coos and his smiles, there are things that club me over the head sometimes, too.  Increasingly, he's becoming more colic-y and, man, that is a trial and a half.  Yesterday I was exhausted and didn't have the energy to walk him and bounce him for hours like he wanted me to do.  (This was after a particularly trying weekend.  After the wonderful Visitation baby shower,  Saturday was hard and Joshua had obviously given all his good-natured energy there and there was none left for home.)  It seemed like nothing I did worked to calm him down.  I thought about putting him in his car seat and driving around, since that is a sure-fire way to konk him out, but I would have to leave the house to do so, and I was still unshowered, in my pajamas, my hair a bushy, frizzy mess, and I didn't have the energy to deal with putting myself together while Joshua cried at me.  So I hunkered down and waited for Paul to come home.  Bless his amazing heart!  Teaching, while there are wonderful highs, is a high-stress job.  He came home from a rough day and was so kind.  He swept Joshua up in his arms and let me decompress.  I am so thankful for his generous heart. 

Today I had energy and motivation, so I showered, did my hair, and ran some errands.  Luckily, Joshua was amenable and even took a little catnap in his swing while I diffused my hair before we left.  The day went more smoothly, but it's because I had enough energy to change things up with different toys, to walk and bounce him around the house when he needed calming, to take Joshua and Pip on a long walk around the neighborhood despite the rain, and to overall just deal with the stress better.  When Paul got home, Joshua seemed calmer and fell asleep in his mamaroo bouncer.  I took this as my exit cue and slipped up to take a nap before taking over for the night.  When I woke up at 8:30 ish a couple hours later, it was to come downstairs to a crying baby and one tired just-barely-hanging-in-there husband.  I was fresh and was able to slip in and let him take a step back and chill a bit before he headed up to bed. 

Holy cow parenting is INTENSE! Before Joshua came along, when I saw friends' posts about their new babies- especially those who had experienced infertility like we had- I got irritated.  Yes, it was out of jealousy, but also because it seemed that they couldn't talk or share anything that didn't revolve around their child.  I thought to myself that there were other aspects about them that I used to be able to share and relate to and that now they were ignoring those things and were choosing to focus on their baby to the exclusion of all else.  In this new journey, I am eating humble pie like it's going out of style.  I'm finding that, for me, caring for Joshua DOES sometimes consume my life to the exclusion of all else.  I would love to have a balance of my interests, and time with Paul, and time for self care, but the scales have tipped irreversibly.  Sometimes Joshua does take every single ounce of energy and strength I can give.  I am willing, but experience days of lethargy, tears, and frustration.  I'm so thankful for my Mom and Dad who are a phone call away that I can turn to for counsel, advice and, most of all love and reassurance that I'm doing a good job.

It's silent in the house right now.  There are dirty bottles in the sink that I have no intention of washing before I finish this post and go up to bed.  The family room desperately needs to be vacuumed, and that, too, can wait.  Lights are off with the exception of the baby monitor I have by my elbow as I type this, the Roku screensaver on the tv, and the white Christmas lights that are still up around the mantle because Joshua loves to look at them.  The four mylar balloons from the Visitation baby shower are tied various places- to his mobile above his pack and play, to a paper bag that we slide by his changing table so he can see the balloon while he we change his diaper, and another one is on the ceiling.  Baby paraphernalia is everywhere- convenient, close, but resting right now.  Paul is asleep.  Joshua is asleep.  Pippin is curled up on the love seat waiting for me to finish so we can go up to bed together.  Mali is cuddled up in one of Pippin's old puppy beds that he never used.  It's outside the guest room door in the hallway where she beds down for the night.  Deep, calm breaths, Elison family.  We can do this.

Weight update and Visitation celebration

My first fancy church outfit.  Vest and sweatpants.  Best of both worlds.

Today we got the good news at the pediatrician's that Joshua has more than doubled his body weight! He's gone from 4lb 4oz to 8lb 10oz. Huzzah!! She'd like to see him growing faster,  but he just won't eat the 20 oz. a day that she wants him to, so we're upping the amount of formula to water ratio to give him more of a caloric bang for our buck.

Those eyelashes!

Sleepy time in church.

This past week on Friday was such a special event.  Visitation Catholic (where Paul works) threw Joshua a baby shower.  Towards the end of the school day,  parents decorated their cafeteria space, set out cake and drinks for everyone,  and then one by one the teachers brought their classes through so they could meet Joshua and bring a present for him if they wanted to. Everyone was so sweet.  The kids were darling in their reactions and the adults were so excited and happy for us. I love the school families Paul and I are a part of.   When Samuel passed away,  Father Michael focused the school's Friday mass on him and on our family.  It was the closest thing we had to a funeral for him.  It's wonderful to have a community that you can both mourn and rejoice with. 

Celebrate good times!

Ok, folks, we have officially reached the halfway mark.  The state of Utah, where Joshua was born, requires a six month waiting period until adoptions are finalized.  Today Joshua is three months old, so he's halfway to ours legally!  He has given us a FANTASTIC three month present.  For the past three nights, he has slept all the way through the night- one sleep was 8 hrs. 42 min., the next was 9 hrs. 9 min., and last night was 9 hrs. 13 min.  It's amazing how functional we both become when we've had enough sleep.  One month ago, I noted in his baby book that he was just moving toward 3 hours of sleep at a time during the night.  Way to go, little one.  Mommy and Daddy thank you profusely.

According to my yard stick and my home scale, (the scale is a bit hit or miss with his little body), Joshua is now 20 inches long and weighs about 8 lb. 2 oz.  He's really close to having doubled his weight.  Huzzah!!

Here's our running total:
1 month= 5 lb. 10.7 oz
2 months= 6 lb. 15 oz.
3 months= (I think we're at) 8 lb 2 oz.

And with that, I have to run.  Little boy is fighting me on sleeping during the day and is now awake again... after a whopping 10 minutes. sigh.  ooop- just kidding.  False alarm.  He's settled back down.  Phew.  Love to all of you!

That's his "I'm looking at my toy Eeyore that Mommy is holding" smile.

So tiny!

He has only one or two more wearings of these cute jammies before he's too big for them.

Christmas of bliss and exhaustion

Fun facts about Joshua as of today:

• He's 12.5 weeks old and will be three months old on Friday.
• At his last pediatrician's appointment, he weighed 7 lb. 7.9 oz. (I think he's close to 8 lb. now)
• The only toy he is taken with so far is his little stuffed Eeyore

Like most people, Paul and I love Christmas.  We were married at Christmastime and love the decorations, the songs, the sacred and the secular.  I didn't think anything could top it- until we experienced it with Joshua.  Suddenly, we were examining the traditions we had as children and were deciding how to blend them and what things to add to make our own family's traditions.  Though still too little to understand, Joshua was enthralled with the lights and his two favorite things to stare at are the Christmas stockings hanging from the mantle piece and the felt advent calendar from Paul's childhood that hangs up behind my rocking chair downstairs.  We've seriously considered leaving these things up year round.

To make things even more memorable, my parents were able to fly in Christmas morning and spend the next four days with us.  I've spoken of the healing that is taking place in my heart and in Paul's, but it extends beyond us.  My sweet parents have comforted and supported a brokenhearted daughter who has had this open wound of childlessness and infertility throughout her adult life.  What a special experience to see my Dad cuddling with Joshua in the rocking chair and to hear my Mom sing the same songs to Joshua that she sang to me and my siblings.  We're trying to get Joshua to eat more, and one evening I was so stressed because he wouldn't eat well that I broke down crying.  I'm the mom.  I'm supposed to get him to eat when no one else can, right?  My Mom just slipped over to me and said, "Let me take him."  She's been doing that my whole life- when something is too hard for me to bear, she's at my side helping me carry it.

So Christmas was wonderful and there was a lot of tag-team napping going on. I'm finding out (and I have a sneaking suspicion that this state of being does not go away) that a lot of being a parent is being exhausted a good amount of the time.  It doesn't sound hard to take care of someone who spends the day eating, getting his diaper changed, and sleeping, but, dang it,  IT IS sometimes.  Though mostly good-natured and easy to soothe, Joshua has his days when he's fussy and fretful.  I know I'm going to say the most obvious thing here, but those are TOUGH.  I've tried to find reasons- like gas pains or growth spurts, but I wonder if sometimes there isn't a reason and he's just out of sorts. Knowing that these days "too shall pass" help get me through (though those moments of calm normally come after a good cry).

Something that I'm trying to find the balance of is advice on how to raise Joshua.  Trying to do this "right," I've done reading and research and have been given some great advice by friends and family.  However, I'm finding that some of it contradicts the other stuff and that by trying to follow all of it, I get stressed out.  I've come to the conclusion that I need to listen to and seek good information and advice and then see what fits for our family.  It's not going to look the same as other families because Paul, Joshua, and I are different people & that's ok.  There's a lot of freedom and relief in that conclusion.