Colic behind the scenes

While there is much cause for celebration in Joshua's growth and weight gain, his coos and his smiles, there are things that club me over the head sometimes, too.  Increasingly, he's becoming more colic-y and, man, that is a trial and a half.  Yesterday I was exhausted and didn't have the energy to walk him and bounce him for hours like he wanted me to do.  (This was after a particularly trying weekend.  After the wonderful Visitation baby shower,  Saturday was hard and Joshua had obviously given all his good-natured energy there and there was none left for home.)  It seemed like nothing I did worked to calm him down.  I thought about putting him in his car seat and driving around, since that is a sure-fire way to konk him out, but I would have to leave the house to do so, and I was still unshowered, in my pajamas, my hair a bushy, frizzy mess, and I didn't have the energy to deal with putting myself together while Joshua cried at me.  So I hunkered down and waited for Paul to come home.  Bless his amazing heart!  Teaching, while there are wonderful highs, is a high-stress job.  He came home from a rough day and was so kind.  He swept Joshua up in his arms and let me decompress.  I am so thankful for his generous heart. 

Today I had energy and motivation, so I showered, did my hair, and ran some errands.  Luckily, Joshua was amenable and even took a little catnap in his swing while I diffused my hair before we left.  The day went more smoothly, but it's because I had enough energy to change things up with different toys, to walk and bounce him around the house when he needed calming, to take Joshua and Pip on a long walk around the neighborhood despite the rain, and to overall just deal with the stress better.  When Paul got home, Joshua seemed calmer and fell asleep in his mamaroo bouncer.  I took this as my exit cue and slipped up to take a nap before taking over for the night.  When I woke up at 8:30 ish a couple hours later, it was to come downstairs to a crying baby and one tired just-barely-hanging-in-there husband.  I was fresh and was able to slip in and let him take a step back and chill a bit before he headed up to bed. 

Holy cow parenting is INTENSE! Before Joshua came along, when I saw friends' posts about their new babies- especially those who had experienced infertility like we had- I got irritated.  Yes, it was out of jealousy, but also because it seemed that they couldn't talk or share anything that didn't revolve around their child.  I thought to myself that there were other aspects about them that I used to be able to share and relate to and that now they were ignoring those things and were choosing to focus on their baby to the exclusion of all else.  In this new journey, I am eating humble pie like it's going out of style.  I'm finding that, for me, caring for Joshua DOES sometimes consume my life to the exclusion of all else.  I would love to have a balance of my interests, and time with Paul, and time for self care, but the scales have tipped irreversibly.  Sometimes Joshua does take every single ounce of energy and strength I can give.  I am willing, but experience days of lethargy, tears, and frustration.  I'm so thankful for my Mom and Dad who are a phone call away that I can turn to for counsel, advice and, most of all love and reassurance that I'm doing a good job.

It's silent in the house right now.  There are dirty bottles in the sink that I have no intention of washing before I finish this post and go up to bed.  The family room desperately needs to be vacuumed, and that, too, can wait.  Lights are off with the exception of the baby monitor I have by my elbow as I type this, the Roku screensaver on the tv, and the white Christmas lights that are still up around the mantle because Joshua loves to look at them.  The four mylar balloons from the Visitation baby shower are tied various places- to his mobile above his pack and play, to a paper bag that we slide by his changing table so he can see the balloon while he we change his diaper, and another one is on the ceiling.  Baby paraphernalia is everywhere- convenient, close, but resting right now.  Paul is asleep.  Joshua is asleep.  Pippin is curled up on the love seat waiting for me to finish so we can go up to bed together.  Mali is cuddled up in one of Pippin's old puppy beds that he never used.  It's outside the guest room door in the hallway where she beds down for the night.  Deep, calm breaths, Elison family.  We can do this.